PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 



PS 3521 

.086 n 

Copy 1 




SOME NEW PLAYS 

■^ MOLLY BAWN« 35 cents. A comedy drama in 4 acts, by Marie Doran. 
7 male, 4 female characters (or by doubling, 5 male and 3 female). Time, about 2 
hours. Uased upon incidents from a story by "The Duchess." 'J he story is woven 
about Eleanor Masserene {Molly Bawn), whose mother eloped with a young Irishiiian, 
which has so embittered her grandfather that he disinherited her. After many years, 
of loneliness he sends for Molly. How the coquettish heiress wiris the hard, old man, 
]s worked out in the play sometimes in a comedy setting and again in strong dramatic 
tenseness. $10.00 royalty fer ;fierJ'ormance by amateurs. 

^UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK; or. Married in Thirty 

Days. 25 cents. A comedy in 5 acts, by O. E. Young. 6 male, 6 female charac- 
ters. I interior scene. Time, 2 hours. (Jkarles Chester, a. young man of leisure, 
succeeds in running up several bills. At last his landlord, ^/atro^ Sharp, threatens to 
imprison him unless his board bill is paid. His aunt's promise to help him out for the 
last time if he marries within thirty days forces him to propose to every girl he meets, 
which naturally gets him into more trouble. Th.ough his effort to get out of the 
tangle many funny situations arise. Among the characters are a very funny chamber- 
maid and her sweetheart, a darkey cook, a comical bellhop, a clever detective, etc. 

■A" WAIT AND SEE. 25 cents. A coinedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. 
Clifford. 7 males, 7 females, i easy interior. Time, i'/^ hours. At a week end 
party one of the guests endeavors to purloin an important document, compelling a girl 
over whom he believes he has control to assist him. While they are trying to open the 
safe they are discovered by the butler who proves to be an old trusted retainer of the 
girl's father. Although the man tries to fasten the guilt upon the butler and the girl, 
he is unsuccessful and a happy climax is reached. Among others it hasjan excellent 
soubretie role. 

^A- WIVES ON A STRIKE. 25 cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian 
Sutton Pelee. 6 male, 7 or mure female characters. Time, 3 hours. 3 interior 
scenes. Costumes varied. At a meeting of the Wives Welfare Club, it is decided to 
"go on Strike" and Jane Spink is to make the test case. The wives' grievances 
greatly amuse Betty, a bride of 30 days, who boasts of her husband's angelic qualities. 
Her first offence of having supper late causes such a row that Betty also decides to 
"go on strike." Betty^s scheme to make her husband change his set ideas about 
woman s rights is the cause of all the_mix-up. How the strike is won and the hus- 
bands taken back is cleverly depicted in the play. A parrot who swears ac the right 
moment adds to the funny situations. 

■y^HIS SISTERS. 25 cents. A farce in 1 act; by Beulah King, i m;de, 
and 8 I emale characters ; or 9 female characters as the male may easily be impersonated 
by a female character, i interior. Time, 30 minutes. Three sisters, who adore their 
handsome older brother, secretly plot to have him marry their particular friends" 
Wow thsir plans are all upset and matters finally smoothed out is cleverly told in this 
play. 

'^SUITED AT LAST. 25 cents. A sketch in i act, by Elizabeth 
Urquhart. 7 females and a discharged soldier. i interior. Time, about 40 
minutes. Dorothy, a newly-wed wife, is in search of a cook; her mother, her chum, 
her Aunt Jane give much advice as to how she shall interview the various applicants, 
in fact, so much so, that Dorothy i-^ utterly confused and finally engages just what 
her husband has advised from the beginning. 

*ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 3S cents. a collection of short mono- 
logues suitable particularly for encores, but are available for any occasion to fill in for 
a lew minutes ; contains black-face, Hebrew, a fond mother, a rube monologue, etc. 

t/^GORGEOUS CECILE. The. 2S cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 
Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters. i interior. Time, 2 hours. IVIax, the 
ton of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
remained obdurate to all of their matrimonial plans. Upon his return home for a 
visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are 
irustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns. The parts are all good 
and well contrasted, with sparkling dialogue and plenty of action. 

MADAME G. WHILIKENS* BEAUTY PARLOR. 2S cents. 

An original entertainment in 2 acts, by Viola Gardner Brown, for 12 (or less) female 
characters, i interior scene. Time if played straight about 50 minutes. A very comi- 
cal travesty on a beauty parlor during a busy day. Introducing among otherSj French, 
Irish, colored, rube character, two salesladies, alJ strongly contrasted. 



IT AIN'T MY FAULT 

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 

By 
KATHARINE KAVANAUGH 

Author of "A Gentle Touch, *' A Stormy Night," "The 

Wayfarers,'' "A Bachelors Baby,'' "A Converted 

Suffragist," "The Four Adventurers," "A 

Friendly Tip," etc. 



Copyright, 1922, by 
Fitzgerald Pablishing Corporation 



^1? 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York 



. 424 I7 



>GI.O 62085 



SfP 30 )b22 



It Ain't My Fault 



CHARACTERS 



Madame DeKalb Principal of the DeKalb School 

Elise Morton Pupil at the DeKalb School 

Nettie Smith The new pupil 

Tom Chester Nettie's fiance 

JiMMiE Blake The reporter 

Noah Lott Country hoy who just "does things" 

Time. — The present. 

Locality. — Any suburban town. 

Time of Playing. — About forty-five minutes. 

SYNOPSIS 

Jimmie Blake, a reporter from The Inquirer tries 
to get an interview at the DeKalb School with Elise 
Morton, daughter of a Wall Street celebrity, who has 
apparently disappeared. Jimmie is at a loss as to how 
to meet Miss Morton ; he speaks to Noah, who is on his 
way to meet the new pupil, Nettie Smith, but is too 
late as usual. Nettie arrives accompanied by her fiance, 
Tom, who convinces her that she will be happier as his 
wife than in school. Jimmie overhears their discussion 
and also discovers that Nettie's bag and his are similar, 
and he exchanges them. Tom 's description of his bunga- 
low finally wins Nettie and she agrees to elope; they 
immediately go for the marriage license. Later Jimmie 
appears- wearing Nettie's garments and posing as the 
new pupil, thus gaining an interview with Elise, who 
tells him where her father is. General mix-up when 
Nettie and Tom return and discover the mistake made 
in the bags. Jimmie then appears in his own clothes 
and straightens out matters. To win Elise 's friendship 
he destroys his report to The Inquirer. 

3 



4 It Ain't My Fault 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Madame DeKalb, principal of the DeKalb School for 
Young Ladies. A woman of about 45, prim and precise 
in dress and manner. 

Elise Morton, a young girl of 18, good looking and 
refined. Wears any appropriate afternoon dress. 

Nettie Smith, a young girl of 18, who is asked to 
decide between school and matrimony. Wears a pretty 
summer dress and hat. 

Tom Chester, a young man of 22. Wears a neat 
business suit. 

Jimmie Blake, a bright, alert young man, about 22, 
an amateur actor and member of the Paint and Powder 
Club. Wears a neat business suit. He must be about 
the same build as Nettie, as he appears in Nettie's hat 
and dress, etc. 

Noah Lott, a country boy who just "does things." 
About 20 years. His specialty is playing the mouth 
organ and his chief characteristic is being late. Wears 
dowdy-looking clothes. 



INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Two suitcases or traveling bags almost similar. One 
contains Nettie's shoes, dress, hat, etc., the other con- 
tains Jimmie 's trousers, shaving set, etc. 

Traveling bag, cigarettes, telegram and a dollar bill 
for Jimmie. 

Newspaper for Elise. 

Mouth organ for Noah. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right; l., left; c, center of stage, up 
means toward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 



It Ain't My Fault 



^CEN"^.— Exterior of the DeKalh School for Young 
Ladies. A September afternoon. Set house r. 
with an entrance into the house. Wood wings l., 
allowing for an exit at l. Bench down l. Land- 
scape drop in rear. 

ENTER JiMMiE Blake l., carrying traveling hag. 

JiMMiE {sets hag on stage about c. and looks at house 
R.). Well, this is the place all right — Madame DeKalb's 
School for Young Ladies. But how in the world Jimmie 
Blake, reporter on The Inquirer, is going to get inside 
those doors, is another proposition. {Takes out a 
cigarette and proceeds to light it) Well, I'll hang 
around — something might turn up — I've simply got to 
interview Miss Elise Morton or lose my job — that's all. 

ENTER from hack of house, Noah playing mouth 

organ. 

Jimmie {calls). Hey — you! (Noah stops) 

Noah {turns to look at Jimmie). Don't you say 
**hay" to me. I ain't no horse. 

Jimmie. Come here, I want to speak to you. 

Noah. That ain't my fault. Do I have to come there 
for you to speak to me ? I ain 't hard o ' hearing. 

Jimmie. Do you see this school here? 

Noah. 'Course I see it. I ain't blind, nuther. 

Jimmie. Well, I want to get in there. 

Noah. Ye can't, you darned fool — that school's iot 
young ladies. 

5 



6 It Ain't My Fault 

JiMMiE. You misunderstand me. I want to get in 
there to see a young lady. 

Noah. No men visitors allowed, unless they're re- 
lated. Who are you, anyhow? 

JiMMiE. I'm a newspaper reporter. 

Noah. No book agents, newspaper reporters, ped- 
dlers nor dogs allowed. You ain't got a chance. 

JiMMiE. Who are you? 

Noah. My name's Noah. 

JiMMiE. Noah — what? 

Noah. Noah Lott. 

JiMMiE. And what is your position here ? 

Noah. My what? 

JiMMiE. Your position — your job? 

Noah. Oh, I ain't got no regular job — I just ''does 
things." 

JiMMiE. I see — a sort of general utility man? 

Noah. Yeh — whatever that is. I runs errands, goes 
for the mail — takes care of baggage — and so forth and et 
cetera. Besides all that, I'm organizer and leader of 
the village orchestra. 

JiMMiE. What instruments do you play? 

Noah. Mouth organ and Jew's harp. Want to hear 
me play ' ' There 's a Land That is Brighter Than This ' ' ? 

JiMMiE. No — I'll take your word for it. Do you 
know if Miss Elise Morton is a pupil in this school? 

Noah. Sure — ^^she's our star pupil. 

Jim'mie. Well, I'll give you a dollar if you can get 
Miss Morton out here and introduce me to her. 

Noah. I'd like to earn that dollar, but it can't be 
did. 

JiMMiE. Why not? 

NoAh. I'd lose my job. (Starts off toward L.) 

JiMMiE. Where are you going now ? 

Noah. To the dee-pot to meet a new pupil, I'm late 
now — got to hurry. If that train gets in before I make 
it, it won't be my fault. 

[EXITS slowly, l., playing moutli organ 

JiMMiE. Now, how in the world am I going to get 



It Ain't My Fault 7 

that interview? I can't go back to the office without it. 
{Takes telegram from pocket and reads) "Big Wall 
Street deal on. Henry Morton at head of it. Can't be 
located. Get interview with daughter at DeKalb School. 
Learn whereabouts of her father." (Replaces telegram 
in pocket) Yes — that's easier said than done. I'll take 
a look at the back of the house — maybe I '11 stumble into 
luck. {Takes bag) [EXITS r., behind house 

ENTER from l., Miss Nettie Smith and Tom Chester. 
He carries her traveling bag, and places it r., next 
to house. 

Nettie. Well, here we are — ^that must be the school. 

Tom. Yes, here we are — ^but why you insist on com- 
ing to this stupid school, when this is our one chance 
to be married, I don't understand. 

Nettie. I had to come, Tom. (Tom and Nettie go 
DOWN stage, l.) ^ 

Tom. I don't see why. There was no one at the sta- 
tion to meet you. They don't seem to expect you here. 
Why not take this opportunity 1 We can get the license 
in the next town, go to the minister's and be married 
before they learn where we are. (Jimmie comes frotn 
behind house, still carrying his traveling bag. Sees 
Nettie and Tom, steps back behind house, but is seen 
to be listening) 

Nettie. Well, then what shall we do? 

Tom. We'll go right back home and tell them we are 
married. 

Nettie. What will Mother say ? 

Tom. What can she say, but " Bless you, my chil- 
dren." Your mother likes me, and your father ad- 
mitted himself that I'm no slouch in business, so what's 
all this fuss about anyway ? 

Nettie. But Mother thinks I'm too young to be 
married. 

Tom. Your mother and my mother have said time 
and time again that they were married when they were 



8 It Ain't My Fault 

seventeen. What's the sense in your spending four 
more years at school? That's all right for a girl that's 
going to make her own living, but I'm making enough 
now to take care of you, even if I am what my Dad 
calls "a, fresh youngster." 

Nettie. And shall we live with your people or with 
mine ? 

Tom. With neither. None of that for us. We are 
going to have our own home from the start. I've got 
our house 

Nettie (deligJited) . Oh, Tom, have you? 

Tom {sits on hench l.). Come here, let me tell you 
about it. (Nettie siis heside Tom. Jimmie- ventures 
from behind house, looks at Nettie's traveling hag' and 
notices with surprise that it looks very much like his. 
He goes cautiously down to Nettie's hag, places his 
alongside of it, looks toward Nettie and Tom, sees that 
they are engrossed with each other, takes Nettie's hag 
and leaves his hag in its place, and EXITS hehind the 
house) 

Nettie. Go on, I want to hear about the house. 

Tom. Well, it has honeysuckle and morning-glory 
vines in the back yard, and on the lawn in front there's 
a hydrangea in full bloom 

Nettie. But the house, Tom, what does it look like? 

Tom. It's a bungalow, with a slanting roof and low, 
broad windows. It is painted a light shade of buff with 
dark red trimmings. On the south side there is a porch 
screened by rose-bushes. 

Nettie. Oh, Tom, you talk like a real estate agent. 

Tom. And the best of it is — it 's ours. 

Nettie. Ours ! Not — not 

Tom. Yep— paid for — it's our home, waiting for us 
to come to it. Now, Nettie, you're not the kind of girl 
that would disappoint a nice house like that ? 

Nettie. Where is it, Tom? 

Tom. About sixty feet beyond the city limits on the 
prettiest road in the State. 

Nettie. Outside the city limits? 



It Ain't My Fault 9 

Tom. Yep — County taxes, child. All the conve- 
niences of the city without the expense. Didn't I tell 
you I was a business man ? 

Nettie. Have you been asking me to marry you — 
or trying to sell me a house — I 'm all mixed up. 

Tom. I'm asking you to marry me — the house is 
thrown in for good measure — a sort of a premium. 

Nettie. Oh, that sounds enticiiig. 

Tom {rises, and speaks in business tone). It's a bar- 
gain, Madam. One of the best bargains on the market 
to-day. You had better accept it before another buyer 
comes along. 

Nettie {rising, and laughing). I accept — house and 
all. Shall we furnish it right away? 

Tom. Furnish it! My dear young lady, you didn't 
think I was offering you an unfurnished house, did you ? 
Everything is ready to start housekeeping 

Nettie {delighted). No! 

Tom. Yes! There is the kitchen, to begin with. It 
has all the latest appliances. Then there is the dining- 
room, furnished entirely in Mission. The reception-hall 
is done in mahogany 

Nettie {laughing). Please, Tom — I'm yours — let's 
find that minister. 

Tom. Nettie — do you mean it 1 

Nettie. I do. 

Tom. Hurrah! {Offers his arm to Nettie) I knew 
that house would do the trick. Where's your bag? 
Oh, here it is. {Picks up hag, and as they go off l., Tom 
continues to talk) Then there's the cutest little library, 
all stacked with the books I know you like, and an easy- 
chair upholstered in leather — and then up-stairs 

there's {Until well off stage) 

[EXIT Tom and Nettie l. 

ENTER JiMMiE from behind house with Nettie's hag. 
Puts it down and looks at it without opening it. 

JiMMiE. Now, what under the sun made me do that 
wild trick? Lordy, but that young lady is going to be 



10 It Ain't My Fault 

surprised when she opens that bag of mine. Good 
heavens, my shaving outfit and a change of linen are 
in it, and a pair of pajamas. (Laughs) I'd like to be 
there when they open it. Well, I don't know whether I 
ean get away with it, but I am going to get into some 
of these feminine things and impersonate the new pupil. 
I didn't play two seasons with the Paint and Powder 
Club for nothing. But where — where will I do the 
trick? (Looks off r.) Ah, there's a big red barn back 
there that will do very well for a dressing-room. 

[EXITS R., behind house with hag 

ENTER from house, Madame DeKalb, looks off h. 

Mme. DeKalb (seems worried). I wonder what can 
be keeping Noah. I heard the whistle of the train some 
time ago. I do hope nothing has happened to our new 
pupil. 

ENTER Elise Morton from house. She carries a 
newspaper. 

Elise. Hasn't Miss Smith arrived yet, Madame? 

Mme. DeKalb. No, Miss Morton, and I am beginning 
to be worried. 

Elise. Shall I go to the station and inquire? 

Mme. DeKalb. Oh, my dear Elise, not you. 

Elise. Why not? Besides, I should like to send a 
wire to my father. 

Mme. DeKalb. Why are you telegraphing your fa- 
ther? 

Elise (shows newspaper in her hand). I want to find 
out if this article in the paper is true. Here is what it 
says: (Reads) ''There is every indication of an im- 
portant deal taking place in Wall Street in the next 
few days. Henry Morton is at the head of it, but Mr, 
Morton is purposely keeping out of sight until the deal 
is consummated. Every effort is being made by the 
newspapers to get some clue to his whereabouts." 

Mme. DeKalb. Then, my dear, it would not be wise 



It Ain't My Fault 11 

for you to communicate with your father, since it is his 
desire to keep his whereabouts unknown. The success 
of this business deal may depend on secrecy, and, who 
knows, one of these inquisitive newspaper men may 
be watching you for just such a move on your part. 

Elise. Nonsense. Do you really think so? 

Mme. DeKalb. a newspaper reporter will go to any 
lengths in order to get a story, especially about a Wall 
Street celebrity like your father. 

Elise. Oh, I'm not really worried about Father. I 
am quite sure he is at our country place. He always 
goes there when he wants to hide. Well, perhaps I had 
better not wire. 

ENTER Noah, l., playing mouth organ. 

Mme. DeKalb. Here is that stupid boy now. Well, 
Noah, where is Miss Smith? 

Noah. I dunno. She warn't there when I got to the 
deepot. It ain't my fault. 

Mme. DeKalb. Well, well, did you get there in time ? 

Noah. Yes, I got there in time, but the train got 
there first. You see, yestiddy Joe Martin borrowed my 
Jew's harp, and I stopped on my way to git it back. It 
ain't my fault. 

Mme. DeKalb. In the meantime Miss Smith had ar- 
rived and there was no one to meet her. 

Noah. Well, it warn't my fault. How did I know 
that old train was going to git there before I did? 

Mme. DeKalb. Did you make any inquiries at the 
station about the young lady ? 

Noah. Sure. The station agent said there was a 
young lady got off with a young man. Doggone it, it 
ain't my fault. 

Mme. DeKalb (shocked). With a young man. 

Elise (laughs). The plot thickens. 

Noah. And they started to walk to the school. 

Mme. DeKalb. Then they should have arrived be- 
fore you. 



12 It Ain't My Fault 

Noah. Sure. Almost anybody could arrive before 
me. It ain't my fault. 

Mme. DeKalb. But she is not here. 

Noah. Ain't she here yet? 

Mme. DeKalb. No. 

Noah. Well, 'tain't my fault. 

Mme. DeKalb. What do you make of it, Elise? 

Elise. I am sure I don't know, Madame. It seems 
the young lady should be here, 

ENTER JiMMiE, in a girVs costume, from hehind house. 

Noah. Hello, who's this? (Elise and Mme. DeKalb 
turn in surprise) 

Mme. DeKalb. Oh, there you are, Miss Smith? 

JiMMiE. Yes, here I are — I am. 

Mme. DeKalb. We have been awfully worried. 
Why did you not enter the school as soon as you ar- 
rived ? 

JiMMiE. Well, you see, I was — er — trying to find the 
door. 

Mme. DeKalb (surprised). Trying to find the door! 
Why, there it is before your eyes. 

Jimmie. Well, so it is. Do you know, I 've been look- 
ing all around this house for that blamed thing, and 
couldn't find it. (Mme. DeKalb and Elise look at each 
other in surprise) 

Mme. DeKalb (sternly). Now that you have dis- 
covered the door, will you be kind enough to enter it? 
I will show you to your room. 

Jimmie. Mayn't I be introduced to the young lady 
first? (Indicates Elise) 

Mme. DeKalb. Most certainly. Miss Elise Morton, 
Miss Nettie Smith. 

Jimmie (gushingly, takes Elise 's hand). Oh, Miss 
Morton, I hope we are going to be friends — let me call 
you Elise, won't you 

Elise (amused). Yes, if you like. 

Jimmie (puts handkerchief to his eyes). Oh, I fee] 



It Ain't My Fault 13 

so lonely — I've never been away from home before. 
Please, may I kiss you? 

Elise (laughs, hut draws away) . When we know each 
other better, Miss Smith. 

JiMMiE. Oh, haven't you lovely hair, and such soft 
white hands, and your eyes — I just love your eyes. 

Elise {laughs). You flatter me too much. 

Mme. DeKalb {sternly). Miss Smith, I do not ap- 
prove of so much sentimental gush in my pupils. 

JiMMiE. Oh, please don't find fault with me. If you 
do, I'll cry. {Tries to cry on Elise 's shoulder, hut 
Elise draivs hack) 

Mme. DeKalb. Noah — get the young lady's bag. 
Come, Miss Smith, I will show you to your room. 

JiMMiE. Aren't you coming, Elise? 

Elise. Yes, presently. (EXIT Mme. DeKalb into 
house, folloived hy Jimmie. Jimmie tries to imitate the 
walk of a young lady, and eyids hy clumsily falling in 
the door) ' 

Jimmie {as he falls). Oh, damn! -{Rises quickly) 

[EXITS into house 

Elise {shocked, says to Noah). Noah, did you hear 
what Miss Smith said ? 

Noah {picks up the traveling hag). I sure did, but 
'tain't my fault. 

Elise. Of course it isn't, but isn't she a peculiar 
girl! 

Noah {starts toward the house with hag). Huh! 
All girls is peculiar, if you ask me. 

[EXITS into house with hag 

Elise. Just the same — there is something odd about 
that girl. 

ENTER Jimmie fro7n house, quickly. 

Jimmie. Oh, Miss Morton, you're still here. I was 
afraid you'd be gone. I gave the old dame the slip 

Elise (shocked). Miss Smith! I must say I'm 
shocked at your manner of speaking. 



14 It Ain't My Fault 

JiMMiE. Oh, that's all right — ^you'll get used to it 
after a while. (Unconsciously tries to put his hands in 
vest pockets to look for cigarette). Say, do you mind if 
I smoke? (Realizes he is wearing a dress) Oh, hang it, 
I forgot! 

Elise. Smoke! Miss Smith, you don't mean to say 
that you smoke! 

JiMMiE, Sometimes — when I have the makings. 

Elise. Well, you had better not let Madame DeKalb 
hear you say such a thing. Nice girls don't smoke. 

JiMMiE. Well, maybe I 'm not a nice girl. 

Elise. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but I 
only meant to warn you. 

JiMMiE. Oh, I know that. Why, you're the sweetest 
girl in the world. Don't you think I can see that? I 
got stuck on you the moment I laid eyes on you. 

Elise. Then I wish you would get over it quickly. 
I don't care for such wholesale admiration. 

JiMMiE. Won 't you please let me care for you ? You 
don't know how much it would mean to me. 

Elise (relenting) . Well, of course, I don't want to 
be unkind, especially as this is the first time you have 
been away from home, and seem in such need of a few 
refining influences. (Sits on bench l.) 

JiMMiE. Yes, I do need refinement, I admit. 

Elise. Where did you pick up such awful habits, 
such as smoking and swearing? 

JiMMiE. Oh, Miss Morton, I didn't swear, did I? 
(Sits on bench) 

Elise. You certainly did, when you fell up the steps. 

JiMMiE. It must have slipped. I'm sorry. Won't 
you please be friends? 

Elise. Of course, but you'll have to be a different 
girl. 

Jimmie (crosses one knee over the other). I'll be any 
kind of a girl you say. Only just let me tell you how 
much I care 

Elise (ivith horror, draws back). Miss Smith, you've 
been smoking! 



It Ain't My Fault 15 

JiMMiE. How do you know ? 

Elise. I can smell it on your breath — and your 
clothes seem saturated with it. Now, if I notice this 
again I shall have to report you to Madame DeKalb. 

JiMMiE (sniffling). Oh, I'm so unfortunate. All I 
want in the world is for you to care for me, and — ^you 
don't. 

Elise. My dear girl, you mustn't feel that way about 
it. I do like you. 

JiMMiE {with his hack turned, and pretending to he 
crying ) . No — you — don 't. 

Elise (lays her hand on his shoulder). But I do — 
really, I like you very much. {Notices Jimmie's short 
hair under the small hat) Why, Miss Smith, what have 
you done to your hair? 

JiMMiE. What's the matter with it? 

Elise. It is so short. 

JiMMiE. Oh. You see I 've had typhoid, and they cut 
it off while I was sick. 

Elise. Oh, wasn't that a pity! 

Jimmie. That's why I wear this hat all the time. 

Elise. Oh, I understand. 

Jimmie. What 's that in your hand — a newspaper 1 

Elise. Yes. It has an article about my father. 

Jimmie. Oh, dear, he isn't in trouble, is he? 

Elise. No indeed. The silly newspapers are trying 
to find out where he is. 

Jimmie. Don't you know where he is? 

Elise. Well, I can guess. Dad has a habit of slip- 
ping doAvn to a shore he owns on the Severn River when- 
ever he wants to get away from business for a few days. 
There's splendid fishing down there, and he usually has 
a good time. 

Jimmie. His shore on Severn River. No wonder 
they couldn't locate him. 

Elise. Why — do you know anything about it ? 

Jimmie. No — I just remember now of seeing it ij, 
the paper. 

Elise. Well, I'm going in — this is my hour foi' 



16 It Ain't My Fault 

study. Are you coming, Miss Smith? (Crosses to 
house) 

JiMMiE. Yes, but first I would like to send that boy 
Noah to the station with a telegram. 

Elise. Wait here — I'll send him to you. 

[EXITS into house 

JiMMiE. I've got to get my bag back somehow, jump 
into my own clothes and beat it to the station. That 
boy don't look as if he had much sense, but maybe I 
can bribe him with a dollar. 

ENTER Noah from house. 

Noah. You want to see me, lady? 

JiMMiE. See here, Noah, I want my bag — can you 
get it for me ? 

Noah. ¥7hy, I just took it up-stairs. 

JiMMiE. Well, you just bring it down again — or 
wait, there's a window in the rear of the house — get the 
bag and drop it out the window. I '11 be there to catch it. 

Noah. What do you want it for? 

JiMMiE. None of your business. Here's a dollar. 
(Gives hitn a dollar) Now, get a move on and do as I 
tell you before your brain stops working. (Pushes him 
into house, through door) Whew! I wonder if he has 
sense enough to do it. Back to the barn for me, into 
my own clothes, and I '11 be a man again. 

[EXITS quickly behind house 

ENTER Madame DeKalb and Elise from house. 

Mme. DeKalb. Where is she — where is that girl? 

Elise. I left her here a moment ago. What is the 
matter, Madame? 

Mme. DeKalb (excitedly). The matter! The mat- 
ter ! Something scandalous has happened — nothing like 
it has ever occurred in my establishment before. 

Elise. But what is it — please tell me. 

Mme. DeKalb. When the housemaid opened the new 
pupil's bag to unpack her things she almost fainted 



It Ain't My Fault 17 

Elise. What was in the bag — a snake? 

Mme. DeKalb. Worse — much worse — a pair of trou- 
sers! 

Elise. Good gracious ! What did the maid do ? 

Mme. DeKalb. She put them back into the bag and 
ran screaming from the room. Now where — I ask you 
where — did that girl get those trousers? 

Elise. I 'm sure I don 't know. 

ENTER Noah from Jiouse. 

Mme. DeKalb {ivalking hack and forth excitedly). 
This needs an explanation! Where is she — where is 
she! Noah, have you seen the new pupil? 

Noah. Yes, ma'am. 

Mme. DeKalb. When and where? 

Noah. She was back near the barn, smokin' a 
cigarette. 

Mme. DeKalb (shocked). Smoking a cigarette! Oh, 
disgraceful ! 

Noah. Well, it ain't my fault. And she gave me a 
dollar to throw her bag out the back window! 

Mme. DeKalb. Gave you a dollar ! And you took it ? 

Noah. Sure! I wasn't goin' to throw it out for 
nuthin'. 

Mme. DeKalb. Do you dare tell me that you went 
to her room and threw her bag out the window ? 

Noah. Sure. It didn't hurt the bag none — ^she 
caught it all right. She 's pretty slick for a girl, 

ENTER from l., Nettie Smith and Tom Chester. 

Nettie (to Madame DeKalb), Is this Madame De- 
Kalb? 

Mme. DeKalb. Yes, I am Madame DeKalb. Who 
are you? 

Nettie. I am Nettie Smith, the new pupil. 

Mme. DeKalb {draws hack in amazement). You are 
—who? 

Nettie {seems surprised at everyhody's amazement). 



18 It Ain't My Fault 

I am Nettie Smith, the" new pupil. Is there anything 
so amazing in that 1 

Elise (startled). You are Nettie Smith? 

Nettie. Why — yes. I think I am. But everybody 
seems to doubt it. 

Mme. DeKalb {sternly to Noah). Then who is that 
other girlf 

Noah. How do / know? It ain't my fault! 

Tom. I say, have we thrown a bomb, or anything? 
What 's all the excitement about ? 

Mme. DeKalb. You must excuse us, Miss Smith, but 
there is a girl here calling herself by your name and 
representing herself as the new pupil. 

Nettie. Then she is an imposter. Where is she? 

Mme. DeKalb. The last I heard of her, she was be- 
hind the barn smoking a cigarette. 

Nettie. Terrible. And she dares to use my name? 
What does it mean? 

Mme. DeKalb. I 'm sure I don 't know. ( Turns to 
Noah) Noah, did you notice any stranger around the 
school to-day? 

Noah. Well, therei was a newspaper fellow that 
wanted to see Miss Morton It ain 't my fault. 

Elise. A reporter — could it have been 

Nettie. But you said he was a girl — or she was a 
girl — or it was a girl — ^where did it get the clothes? 

Mme. DeKalb. Miss Smith, I 'm beginning to have 
an idea. Open your bag. 

Tom (has the hag in his hand, puts it on floor and 
opens it). Wait, I'll unfasten it for you. {Everybody 
crowds around the hag while Tom unfastens it) 

Nettie {looks into it, and then screams). Oh! 

Mme. DeKalb. What is the matter? 

Nettie. Look! {Holds up pair of pajamas. Mme. 
DeKalb screams. Nettie throws them hack in hag) It 
is full of men 's things — there is a shaving outfit. 

Tom, Nettie, look again. Is that your bag? 

Nettie. No. It looks like it, but it isn't. I've got 
somebody else's bag. 



It Ain't My Fault 19 

Tom. And somebody else has yours. Where is this 
new pupil? I'll handle him. {Squares his shoulders, 
ready to fight) 

ENTER JiMMiE from behind house, in his own clothes, 
and carrying the other hag. 

JiMMiE (pauses in an embarrassed manner). Er — 
good morning! 

Mme. DeKalb (sternly). And who are you, sir? 

JiMMiE. Why — I'm a book agent — can I show you 
the latest edition of Shakespeare — Morocco-bound 

Elise (after looking at him, screams). Oh! 

Tom (up close to Jimmie in threatening manner). 
So you are Miss Nettie Smith, eh? 

Jimmie. I was. Who are you? 

Tom. I am Miss Smith's future husband, and I think 
I owe you a thrashing. 

Jimmie (looks toward Nettie). I beg Miss Smith's 
pardon, and (To Tom) I'll give you that scrap when- 
ever you want it. Now, I'll explain anything you don't 
already know. I was sent here by my paper to inter- 
view Miss Morton. I overheard Miss Smith and this 
scrappy guy planning to elope. I changed the bags be- 
cause they looked so much alike, and as I have played 
girl parts before, I determined to impersonate the new 
pupil. What kind of a girl was I, Miss Morton? 

Elise. How dare you speak to me! I suppose you 
think you have done a very clever thing. 

Jimmie. No, I'm not very proud of myself, and I 
really do seriously beg your pardon. Won 't you forgive 
me? 

Elise. Never. I admit I was very stupid not to see 
through you at first. Now you may send your report 
to your paper. The fact that it would hurt my father 
and me doesn't matter. 

Jimmie. Yes, it does. I want your friendship, and 
to prove it I am going to tear up this report. (Takes 
report from pocket and tears it up) It will lose me 
my job, but I guess I'll get another one. 



20 It Ain't My Fault 

Tom (shakes hands with Jimmie). Say, I'll take it 
back about the scrap. You're all right. 

Nettie. If Tom forgives you, I'll forgive you too. 
Tom and I just came back to notify you, Madame De- 
Kalb, that we have secured a marriage license, and are 
on our way to the minister 's. 

Tom. And we want two witnesses. Miss Morton, 
will you forgive this chap and help us out ? 

Elise (relenting). I don't know the gentleman's 
name. 

Jimmie (smiling, holds out his hand to Elise). It's 
Jimmie Blake, and right at this moment I'm the hap- 
piest fellow in the world. (Clasps Elise 's hand) Will 
you come, Miss Morton? 

Elise (smiles). If Madame DeKalb consents. 

Mme. DeKalb. Well! I don't seem to have any- 
thing to say. 

Noah (to Jimmie). Say, maybe I ain't got much 
sense, nor nuthin', but you can't fool me. You ain't no 
girl! (Everybody laughs) 

Mme. DeKalb (to Noah). You stupid boy. If you 
had been on time at the station all this would not have 
happened ! 

Noah (c. of stage) . Aw, I git blamed for everything! 
It ain't my fault! (Everybody laughs) 



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vjv^^iP^^^jv^^JV^ ^ ^^^JWJV^jVijrifljw 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



NOTIC 




015 939 498 ^ 



Fraternal and Secret Societies 



66 



NITIATION STUNTS" 



By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 

Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 

Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 

Slogans and Mottoes 

Greek Letter Societies 

Reason for Rough-House Initiation 

Yells 

Songs 

Pledge Stunts 

Fraternity Toast 

Part II 

Greek Letter Fraternities 

Side Degree "Eta Phi Mu" 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 

Miscellaneous Yells 

Banquet Toasts 

Hazing the Obstreperous 

Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 



18 Vesey St., 



New York 



